Sick

I’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks.  This has been so frustrating and so humbling.  I just don’t get sick and I’m not a good sick person — I’m kind of like a guy in that way.

Two weeks ago, hubby and I flew to Chicago and then traveled up to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for my cousin Amanda’s wedding.   It was fun to see family, but it was busy, somewhat stressful, and I was surrounded my germs.  At the time, I thought nothing of it.  I should have been a bit more attentive to the surrounding sniffles and coughs, but remember, I don’t get sick.  We flew back on Sunday, enjoyed our First Anniversary on that Monday and then I was back to work on Tuesday.  That day, the tickle in my throat started.  I coughed to fight off the tickle.

In the midst of it all, I was preparing to do a Half Ironman on Saturday, May 7.

On Thursday, I woke up feeling bad so I knew I needed to hurry up and get myself to a doctor.  I went to the Urgent Care before work and was told that I most likely had a virus, but the doctor gave me a prescription — just in case.   Thank the Lord he did this because the next day I was positive I had infection — you know, colored snot and such.

At this point, I know that there it is highly likely that I am going to get worse, but Friday night I proceed to pack up my triathlon gear and I start crying as I’m packing because I know that I am packing for no reason.  I’m not going to race.  I’m not going to race after 5 months of training.

And here I am, one week later and I’m still sick.    And I developed another infection.   And the antibiotics make me sick.

God help me.  I am so over this.

So due to being sick and not being able to make myself feel better, I am forced to accept my mortality and the fact that I can only rest and take care of myself the best way I know how. I also have to let my husband take care of me and he does this so well.

It’s Saturday and I should be doing some sort of  a workout, but I’m sitting on my couch watching Bethenny Ever After on dvr and I’m blogging for the first time in about 3 months!   So maybe there’s a silver lining in feeling like s**t.

Facebook break

Only those of you who read this blog or actually know me in real life will know why I recently deactivated my Facebook account.   For awhile now, I’ve felt like leaving Facebook was something my soul needed.   I know that sounds pretty bizarre to most of you.  What does that even mean?

I am one of those women who struggles with comparison.  How does my life measure up to so and so?  Wow, that couple seem to have no problems in their marriage.  They’re always so happy.   Braun and I have bad days.  Wow, she’s so fashionable.  I’ve got no style.   They’ve got such a beautiful house.  We live in a condo.   Facebook allowed me to spend time looking at other people’s lives and constantly play the comparison game and my soul was dying a bit because of it.   It made me unhappy.  Sometimes, I would feel bad about myself.  I started to feel like my marriage was suffering for it along with a feeling a lack of personal connection to my real friends.

It’s easy to be friends with people online.  You can make contact with people on your terms.   If you don’t feel like talking on the phone, how about a Facebook chat?  If you don’t want to Facebook chat, you can go offline and spend a lot of time looking at what seems to be going on in others’ lives.   Real life is messy at times.

So anyway, let’s get back to my break.  I told Braun that in the New Year, I wanted to be less dependent on Facebook and technology in general, but I didn’t really DO anything about it. I talked about it and though a lot about how  I didn’t want to come home and feel the need to find out what people were doing on Facebook (or Twitter). In the last month, I’ve seen news stories about how Facebook is making people unhappy.   These stories even specifically addressed the comparison problem.  Even driving home from my run tonight, I was listening to a story on NPR about a movement called “Slow Media” or something like that.   The story was about a woman who decided to go offline.  She stopped using the internet and a cell phone.  She lasted 4 months, but then got engaged and saw the need for the internet.  Even then, she alotted herself an hour a month. Did you read that?  AN HOUR A MONTH?  She did this for 6 months.  Afterward, she talked about how she doesn’t check email in the morning because she doesn’t want any of those e-mails to dictate how her day will start.  Smart.  I like that perspective.  She did log back on to the internet because she needed to be connected to friends, family and work.

It’s interesting to think that now, it’s weird to be disconnected.  Our lives in 2011 are incredibly dependent on the internet.   To choose to not be connected via Social Media is almost abnormal.

I guess I want to be abnormal…for a time.  I’m sure I’ll be back. I mean, I’m not saying good bye to the blog!  But, I do look forward to see how fulfilled my life can still be without Social Media.

So call me.  E-mail me (yes, I’m still e-mailing). Write me a note and send it.   Come visit.   I’ll make you coffee or pour you a glass of wine.

New York

I’m heading to New York City this weekend to visit my good friend Elizabeth Fenner!  It’s been awhile since we’ve had any quality hang out time so I am really excited about this time with her!

What do you do when you go to New York?  Do you have recommendations for food, shows, etc?

Evening run

So I decided to try to get a 4 1/2 mile run in yesterday after work.  I felt pretty good about it until I was about a mile in and realized that I wasn’t going to be able to run the whole way.  I was exhausted.   So, I did a run/walk and tried to not feel so bad about it.  I was moving so that counts, right?  I haven’t registered for the Thunder Road Half Marathon yet, but I plan to do this in December. 

I keep waiting for the day that running feels easy and euphoric, but that day hasn’t come yet.  Running is a means to keep in shape and burn calories.  I do find it more “fun” when I’ve got my running buddy with me (Miss you this week, Kathryn!) because at least we use the time to catch up and usually it’s meaningful conversation.    When I run alone, I tend to give up more easily and I can talk myself into walking.  I kind of hate that, but last night it was 95 degrees so I didn’t feel like it was SUCH a let down.

Needless to say I was thoroughly exhausted when I walked in the door last night!  Braun and I hadn’t planned dinner so then we had to figure out what to do about that.  We decided on Portofino’s.    I used to think that place was cheesy Italian until I went into the Eastway location and the guys working there are definitely Italian. 

We watched Rules of Engagement and then I headed to bed, but not before a hot fudge sundae was inhaled.  🙂

Anyway, tonight I plan to get on my bike for a bit after work.   My goal is to be exercising 5 days a week and to cross train!  

What are you doing for exercise these days when it’s so hot outside?

100 Days

Braun and I have been married 100 days as of yesterday.   We sat over dinner last night at Bistro La Bon and toasted to this milestone (if you can call it that).  We both couldn’t believe that it had been 100 days since that hot yet wonderful day. 

I remember when we were 100 days until the weddding day.  Braun sent me 100 roses and  it seemed like it was a long time to wait.  Now, after the wedding, it seems like no time at all.

The 100 days have been filled with learning how to live with each other, how to communicate, how to argue, creating traditions/habits together and various other learning opportunities!  It was so good to reflect and know that, though Braun and I are very different, we love each other deeply. 

Driving to work this morning, after saying goodbye and wishing each other a good day at work, my heart was full for him.  I am so blessed to have this man in my life. 

So today, I’m thankful — not just for the good days, but for the difficult ones too because they are refining us both in the process.   

A toast to all of those who have gone before us for many “hundred days” anniversaries!

Dislike

I don’t handle it very well when people are mad at me or dislike me.   I wish I was someone who could let things go and not wonder ” How do I fix this?”  or “What did I do wrong?”  Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me.  Maybe I didn’t do anything yet my mind will analyze this over and over until my stomach is sick with worrying about.

Someone at work has started to “shun” me.  I’m serious.  This person looks the other way, avoids my office, doesn’t speak to me at all.   I thought we were friends, but something has gone awry.  

I’m battling insecurity and trying to listen to the words of my husband about looking to Jesus for my worth and worrying less about what others think of me, but I fail every day.

So I’m trying to keep my chin up and a smile on my face even though I mostly feel like crying about it.

Liberated?

Our assistant pastor was preaching in the book of James yesterday and his message included this quote.  Wow.  Check it out.

“People do not drift toward Holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.”
— D.A. Carson

Going way back.

Back in college, I was introduced to “worship” music during the time  I was involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship.  Each week we had meetings on campus on Thursdays at 7:30pm.   A big part of “Large Group” that I always looked forward to was the worship portion which was usually in the beginning of each meeting.  The songs we sang during those years have stuck with me and continue to have a special place in my heart.  I can hear them on the radio, on my iPod and and waves of nostalgia wash over me.

One summer though, I was introduced to Songs from the Loft.  I can’t remember who introduced me to this compilation of songs, but I love them as much today as I did back then.  They are songs… sung in a loft — probably somewhere near Nashville — by a bunch of kids and Amy Grant, Susan Ashton, Michael W. Smith among other Christian musicians.   The lyrics are so encouraging and the harmonies just touch my heart.

So anyway, Braun and I were discussing worship music on our way to lunch today.  Our church is looking for a part time worship leader and they’ve been bringing in folks to “audition”, so to speak.  Well, this morning’s worship was more like a rock concert.  I don’t really feel like the head banging and gyrating are really that conducive to leading worship, but that’s my opinion.  Somewhere in the convo, Braun mentioned Songs from the Loft and, all of a sudden, I needed to hear them!

When we started making dinner, I got my laptop out and searched iTunes for this album. No dice.   Braun came to the rescue and said he had the album and instructed me to not download any more music until I ran the search through his music library.  I thin he has somewhere around 11,000 tunes.   So being the awesome husband he is, he put the Songs on a jump drive and I added them to my collection.   Awesome.

For the next 20 minutes, I sang at the top of my voice with the other voices as Braun watched and just smiled.   And I just kept singing.

Living a full life

Tonight we had dinner with B’s uncle C.  He’s 83.   Up until 8 years ago, he lived in Prague where he had been living for about 15 years.  He returned to Memphis to be close to his family and to get to know the younger generation of his family better as he got along in years.  At dinner, C and I were engrossed in conversation about his life. He started out a cattle farmer and ended up in the Czech Republic where he counted the bassist in a jazz band his best friend.  He told me of how leaving the Czech Republic to return to the States was THE most traumatizing experience of his life.  He spent his time in jazz clubs and immersed in culture.   I could almost imagine myself there with him.

There is really something to living a full life…filling your years with rich experiences.   We don’t all have to go to Prague to do this, but are you following your heart or just punching the clock and going through the motions.

Tonight I realized that it’s really important to invest in our elders — to hear their stories, to make them talk about their experiences and see that smile flicker on an old, worn face.   It made me happy and I think it made him happy too.

Cheers to you, C.

Oh me, Oh my.

It’s been a long time.  I last posted 3 months prior to getting married and now, here it is, almost 2 months since I’ve gotten married.

I’ve looked at my blog a couple of times thinking of changing the theme.  I’ve hardly given myself any time for new music.  It’s funny how that used to consume me.  Now my life is full in different ways.   I’m trying (along with my husband) to navigate marriage.   It seems like sometimes all we’re doing is navigating.

But life is good.  In the last 2 months, we’ve traveled out of the country to Turks & Caicos and then also to the wine country of Northern California.  I am smitten with that area of California.   The weather was absolutely awesome and it was such a relief from this nasty southern heat we’re experiencing in Charlotte now. Yuck.

My mind has lots of thoughts and ideas swirling right now and I’m hoping I can get them out in a useful way to give encouragement, get encouragement, etc. etc.

So how ’bout the USA soccer team?

See you soon.